dormant volcano preparing to be active

I have been through many ups and downs already. Started my life spending my childhood with my grandparents. And that moment of my life has been, I can say, one of the most memorable part of my life. Being in a FIlipino society, family-orientedness is given so much emphasis. That is why when I was in my 3rd grade, my parents have decide to take me from my grandparents and live with them. Unfortunate for them but favorable for me, it wasn't pushed through. I was so glad. Maybe because I grew up with my lola and lolo that I think I do not know my parents enough. Thinking that sooner or later I will face the fact that I will leave my grandparents and start living with my parents, I feel nervous. But I just have to accept it. A year after, my 4th grade, was when they finally had decided that I will move with them already. It was really hard to leave people who've been so close to you. That is why it wasn't that easy to adopt to a new environment. 

I was then on my transition period, living with my parents, and not expecting anything like that! I thought life with them is something I would really love and enjoy. But how would I be happy in a home where I feel unsafe. I am not used to a home setting where people are always doing confrontations and yelling at each others. I felt like living not in a home but in a dangerous city street where lots of uneducated, narrow-minded people are present. I spent my whole adolescence life with them and I believe that their way of life had really influenced mine, in a negative way. I hate what I've become because of them. There was a point in my life that I already forgot the value of saying "po and opo". But what I hated the most is the feeling of anxiety every time I'm on my way home. At the back of my mind, I was hoping the bus ride to take long, long enough to spend more time on the roads than in the house. It's not what I vision a home is. All those years created too much anger in my heart that I learned to keep just in myself. It didn't take that long. I bursted out. I couldn't take it anymore. Reason why we are in this situation. 

This situation of our family is a new chapter. A new chapter in my life where I feel the relief and real happiness, i must say. I am happy because I am contented with what I have. The home I am with now is far different from what I had with my real family. For the first time, I feel like going home early because I am not expecting shouting to greet me when I enter the house. I can also say that the current state of mind I have makes me improve myself. I am calm inside making me think clearly and focus on things I should have been focused to way way back, studies. Now, I don't have to wait for people to be done with fighting before I study. I have all the quiet time I need to work out things I need to work out. 

That was in the past two years. But as of the moment, somethings been changing. Why do I feel like going back to the nightmare I had? I am afraid that if I continue keeping these hatred in my heart, I might explode sooner or later. If that happens, the remaining peace I am enjoying within me and the love I have for those people I care about would vanish. I am afraid that I would lose the belief I have that there would be a genuine home wherein I would feel the total peace of mind. That genuine home is something that everyone deserves. I am still hoping that I wouldn't leave this earth without experiencing that kind of home.