revealing monday :(

I was expecting a very wonderful day today but opposite happened. I never expected to see that post. It was extreme, really! Extreme to the point that my world has been affected and causing me to do a major turn around. As soon as I saw it, "clean break" ran in my mind. Actually, even that word after a while, I realized is not applicable because in the first place we are not together. :( I just thought that we have that something. Maybe it's just special friendship but can't be brought forward. I'm not sure what to do. I am still debating inside. Should I just disappear and pretend that what happened, from that super sweet first day until this hurtful moment, didn't actually happen? Wouldn't it be so immature? hay..I really don't know what to do! God. I don't know if this is a really big issue to bother me or am I just making this complicated? Oh please. I just wanted his assurance that he says the truth, that he meant what he said. If that is so, then i would believe him and disregard everything. But until then, I am still doubting with his loyalty. hay.. I feel unappreciated and disregarded. It feels like I am just the diversion, not the main reason. :( Honestly, I know in myself i've loved him ever since. And even though he had been through many relationships, I still like him. I'll be waiting for him no matter what. (God! I never imagined myself writing this pledge addressing to someone. But here it is! hola! Hope he reads this..)

good news for thursday

Today was, I can say, a relief. The midterm grade I was waiting for has been given already. Guess what? I got what I expected, somehow. And it was overwhelming to know that you did well in the exams and you would surely pass the subject for the semester. Isn't that great? hmm. Thank God. Very much. For now, I just want to concentrate with the requirements and my aim, which is to make higher grades as possible for the next half because I want to have grades higher than 2! hahaha.. go for the gold! :D hehe

# 1 requirement: DISCIPLINE

For every success behind professionals, discipline is the key. If an individual knows how to self regulate, every thing else follows. For instance, in the accountancy profession, If you are aiming to be one in the future you ought to be starting to discipline yourself on your way there. Like in school, as students of accountancy, you are expected to act in accordance to what is morally right and that is AGAINST CHEATING! My school at present is so far different from that of my previous school attended. I am proud to say that I am a Scholastican, and that I know the meaning of the word "discipline". That is simply because we know its value. In times like exams or even just short quizzes wherein the professor is not around to keep an eye over us, we ourselves have our own self control. I guess what lies behind the attitude towards the "discipline" and cheating is the idea of every student on why they are really in school. If that value of discipline is reiterated, change in students' attitude is possible. Otherwise, I say, "youth wouldn't all be the hope of the future generation". That is what I believe is right! And honestly, I really hate those people. I'm not the all-knowing student but at least I can say I am responsible enough to my actions. I don't dare cheat. I'd rather get zero than be perfect because of others' answers. I always say to myself that cheating is like stealing. Cheating is taking others' property/ies and using those for my own interest. That alone is an immoral act for me. And so I see those cheaters as stealers/robbers/thieves and the like.

For a very concrete example, it was just this afternoon when (again) I saw many cheaters! "I thought you want to be future CPAs?! BUt what are you doing? Cheaters as early as now?! You gotta be kidding me!", ran into my mind. I can't say that aloud! They would think that I am too "saintly". Maybe I'll just include them in my prayers. God knows what to do to those people. As long as I do my best. That's it. But at the back of my mind I am doubting, whether to take action or just leave it to them and move on. Hay.. I thought I've overcome this dilemma already, but I was wrong. Maybe in every group of students, there are these people. SO ANNOYING but I can't help them, that's their nature already. Hayy.. You know what, doing this blog makes me sinful. I get to accuse people. BUt please bear with me, this is just my way of letting go my anger. I'd just write it rather that say it aloud.

Oooh.. There. SOmehow, I'm better. And I guess I'm done for now. Better go and study for tomorrow. :)

hotness in the coldness

Hmm. Aside from the gloominess the cold weather brings, today it was the people being irritated. In fact, even me, I almost lost my temper. I don't know, for some reasons, I just felt easily irritated. The manong driver too, when he was stopped by the traffic police and given ticket for unloading not in the designated area. Gaaah!! Maybe it is really true that there's nothing perfect, even a perfect day. AND I just want to add, when I was home, one more thing added to my high temper, the gas stove was empty! and I was supposed to cook to for my lunch.. argh.. good thing there is mcdo! mcdo for lunch?! eeeeee.. sooo unhealthy AND exorbitant.. gees! delicious food though :p

the turn around

Earlier today, the weather is soooo hot! but this afternoon suddenly it changed and became so dark that a 4 o'clock in the afternoon looked like a 7 o'clock in the evening. I felt a bit of fear because of the darkness.Although most of the time I would really prefer night than day, because of the cool breeze it brings me. It makes me relax because I can't feel hot wind, which the sun brings. It's just this afternoon that I feared the darkness. Weird. Maybe because the clouds really looked like they wanted to pour a very heavy rain. They looked like a big transparent cellophane at the sky that is full of water and about to burst. Really! that was something. Good thing I was home early and the rain is not yet pouring until now, 8 in the evening. I guess may be later tonight it will really rain so hard and the sleep of everyone would be so nice and cold. I just hope that nothing like Ondoy would happen again. That was also something else. bye for now.

this is so routine!

Ever since, it has always been like this. I'll ask something, he confirms, then wait a little while until I'll just notice that I've been waiting for a long time already. Then, I'll come up with the assumption that it would never happen at all, and so just move on and leave that compromise behind. But it's surprising that I'm never losing my trust in him. I'm always trusting that he will do his words. Why is that so? I don't know why despite of lots of disappointments, still, I trust him. :|

pissed off

argh! this is so me, not showing what I really feel. I am not the confrontational type and so I am not an argumentation fan. Hayy,, that reason gives me the fear of letting the history repeat. Honestly, that's what I feel inside right now, right here. I don't want this but I can't help it. Maybe this blogspot will help me release all the hatred I feel inside. This blog will absorb all of that! hmmm.. now I feel much better that earlier when I started this post. (Maybe I just needed someone or something to release my emotions to. :p ) Please blogger, make me a good person and not let me erupt and be an evil one. I know I can do this! aja! :D

jam-packed house :p

Yey! grandparents just arrived to stay for the weekend. :) The house is so jam-packed but still it'll be fun. Every time relatives stay over for few days, it feels like we are so close, we really are. I bet we're going to have another fun weekend. Hmm, I wonder if I'm gonna finish lots of homework with them in the house. Not because of the noise but in times like this, I prefer spending time with them and just chat about anything. Sometimes, for busy people living in the metro, it's a refreshment to just stay still and cherish every single moment of not doing your routine. Hmmm... got to go,time to start whatever I have to do so I can finish early. :) xoxo.. p.s. tonight's gg season 4 premiere :D @ 8pm on etc.. watch watch!!!

weird dreams

They said, dreams are our frustrations in life that we cannot see the fulfillment. I say, and I believe that dreams are the opposite of what will happen. Thus I know that that dreams of mine will definitely not happen in reality. I have read that article from yahoo where it say that i should interpret my dreams based on symbols. Symbols that use the people and things that I often see in my entire life. Honestly, I am confused on what that dream really means. And so I decided to just forget it. Make the most of my everyday life and tell the people I care about that I love them. With His guidance, I know I will always be on the right path. Maybe for now things aren't that okay but sooner or later and surely before I leave the earth's soil, everything will be okay. :) Hmmm... I just want to share, :p I know greediness is a mortal sin but for once I just want to be selfish and ask God to somehow give an exception. Exception to let that part of my dreams to be the reality. Want to know what it is? hmmm.. I guess you already know.. That part where the love of my life was so real and so reachable. He was so near me and that closeness is so freaking tempting me to do anything for him. The idea that I can see him steps apart is so heart-warming because it has been more than two years since I last saw him. Given the thing we have at the moment, visibility would really be a big help for us to move forward and have that something grow bigger and stronger. I just wish .......

tuesday moments

This is so new. Things have quite changed, for the betterment. I must say, distance really helps. It's just now that I understand the true meaning of the saying where it tells us that you will not realize the value of a person to you until he left. I haven't felt this kind of realization ever since until now. I never thought that distance could really be a big factor for every kind of relationship. I used to think that distance doesn't matter at all, all you need is faith. The faith that wherever you are and how far you are, the relationship between you will remain unchanged. One of the most distinctive thing that happened is when I had this conversation with someone so close. That is my younger brother. We never had talks that are so personal like what we had this afternoon. Happy though because that was a positive thing. Positive because I think my brother has already learned and realized that I could be his best friend, whom he can rely on. I say, we aren't that open to sensitive issues like love life. Funny but at the same time, I find it cute. Cute because that person telling his stories is not that kind before. Now, it seems like he has finally opened up his wings and decided to show his feelings. I believe that that personality he has shown me is a positive side. Keeping every emotion in the heart could be detrimental. So, showing off your feelings helps you release the heaviness you have inside. That alone will let you go on with life with happy heart.

dormant volcano preparing to be active

I have been through many ups and downs already. Started my life spending my childhood with my grandparents. And that moment of my life has been, I can say, one of the most memorable part of my life. Being in a FIlipino society, family-orientedness is given so much emphasis. That is why when I was in my 3rd grade, my parents have decide to take me from my grandparents and live with them. Unfortunate for them but favorable for me, it wasn't pushed through. I was so glad. Maybe because I grew up with my lola and lolo that I think I do not know my parents enough. Thinking that sooner or later I will face the fact that I will leave my grandparents and start living with my parents, I feel nervous. But I just have to accept it. A year after, my 4th grade, was when they finally had decided that I will move with them already. It was really hard to leave people who've been so close to you. That is why it wasn't that easy to adopt to a new environment. 

I was then on my transition period, living with my parents, and not expecting anything like that! I thought life with them is something I would really love and enjoy. But how would I be happy in a home where I feel unsafe. I am not used to a home setting where people are always doing confrontations and yelling at each others. I felt like living not in a home but in a dangerous city street where lots of uneducated, narrow-minded people are present. I spent my whole adolescence life with them and I believe that their way of life had really influenced mine, in a negative way. I hate what I've become because of them. There was a point in my life that I already forgot the value of saying "po and opo". But what I hated the most is the feeling of anxiety every time I'm on my way home. At the back of my mind, I was hoping the bus ride to take long, long enough to spend more time on the roads than in the house. It's not what I vision a home is. All those years created too much anger in my heart that I learned to keep just in myself. It didn't take that long. I bursted out. I couldn't take it anymore. Reason why we are in this situation. 

This situation of our family is a new chapter. A new chapter in my life where I feel the relief and real happiness, i must say. I am happy because I am contented with what I have. The home I am with now is far different from what I had with my real family. For the first time, I feel like going home early because I am not expecting shouting to greet me when I enter the house. I can also say that the current state of mind I have makes me improve myself. I am calm inside making me think clearly and focus on things I should have been focused to way way back, studies. Now, I don't have to wait for people to be done with fighting before I study. I have all the quiet time I need to work out things I need to work out. 

That was in the past two years. But as of the moment, somethings been changing. Why do I feel like going back to the nightmare I had? I am afraid that if I continue keeping these hatred in my heart, I might explode sooner or later. If that happens, the remaining peace I am enjoying within me and the love I have for those people I care about would vanish. I am afraid that I would lose the belief I have that there would be a genuine home wherein I would feel the total peace of mind. That genuine home is something that everyone deserves. I am still hoping that I wouldn't leave this earth without experiencing that kind of home. 

waiting is torture

I'm really not good at waiting. And I really hate waiting. But why is it that everything seems to make me wait for so long. I've been waiting for a while, still I haven't get what I wanted to get. Like exam results, confirmations from specific persons, text messages, and even to remember things I already forgot but I have to remember. Really, it makes me sick. I hate the feeling of forgetting things when I needed them! I feel handicapped or disabled whenever that happens. That feeling of torture whenever I wait is becoming worse . Everyone seems to be against me today. And that feels so annoying. My plans are already polished but people around me breaks them! Gaahd! Why do they do that? they give me negative vibes today which is not so good because it is Mama Mary's birthday! Anyway, I can't do anything more to that but to pray for them. I can't let them ruin my day. It's not yet late, I still have enough hours to make my day cheerful before it ends. Now, I have to go and continue my routine, cooking! :D

my day :|

It wasn't a good day after all. It started so-so. My first class didn't pursue for the prof wasn't around. I am feeling tensed as the announcement of the results of exams has been delayed. Still hoping, crossing my fingers. :| All of a sudden, as I went home this morning after that 8-9 am class,  BV had me. I stepped out of the campus, found an empty jeep, and took the ride. Then, OUCH!!! I hit my head on the light bulb near the left hand rail. And it was really hard that I felt like I was hit by a rock.. gaaahd! But I can't react that much because there were other passengers, it's embarrassing, really!! I just pretended it was OK. haha.. Next BV happened at home. I was actually throwing a wrap in the trash bin, and BOOOG! i hit my head again..Mind you, it was the corner of the cabinet! :( AND AND AND!! i knew bad news that is not so new at all. That was HALE being disbanded.  :( One more BV! it was really rude to forget someone's gift for you. and I really feel guilty about it. I just really can't remember. So what will I do?? I already did search my debut pictures to look for a hint but there was nothing. I also did check the gift cards, but there was nothing. I feel terrible. Why do I have to forget it!? mm.. what to do? what to do? ..I think I have one last resort, to go to the province, and check whether my gifts are there. :| wish me luck... 

anxiousness creeps me to the bones

Last week, I had my departmental Midterm exams, which means I had my Accounting subjects' exams. During the exams until before 4 o'clock this afternoon, I am confident with my answers. Confident that somehow, I will pass and be able to meet the required grade for my business subjects. And it was this afternoon, during my Accounting 7 class, when my professor said that most of us got 50% results. 50%!? THAT WAS ALARMING! All of a sudden, I was covered with anxiety that made me think of being one of those who got that grade. I'm feeling depressed. Depressed and worried. It can't be! Noooooo! :(

That was me this afternoon... Now, I realized, nothing will happen if I feel depressed. Nothing will change. So I am just hoping that somehow, I am NOT included to those who have that grade.. Still praying for a better grade. I feel I deserve that because I am sure I did my best and applied what I know is right. 

so Puhleeeeeeesh! help me pray.. :) thanks much.. 

my starting blog

I am sitting at the school canteen, waiting for my 4 o'clock class. I just realized, Iced Green Tea Latte is NOT so good with Oreo Cheesecake.. Ulk! ^^ But still i love Iced Green Tea Latte. haha.. My classmates tasted my drink, and I wasn't surprised that they didn't like it.. haha... "tastes like herbal investigatory project", said my classmate. hahaha.. Really, the first time i tried it, I didn't like the after taste. But as I drink it to the bottom, it's good, fresh green tea leaves. hehe..good for the health. Maybe next time I go to the coffee shop, I won't make Oreo Cheesecake partner with my Iced Green Tea Latte. :))